I'm going to be calm.
I'm not going to hurt you because I'm hurt.
My pain doesn't need to cause you any.
I'm sorry if it did.
Need to get myself together, need to be me, the alone me.
But don't want to loose you, never, ever.
Hello body. Hello you little curve growing bigger and scares the shit out of me. Such a shame, such wonderful period of peace thrown away. Hello self-hateress, hello self-destruction, I forgot you're still here inside of me. He cannot heal what's broken, he cannot take my pain away. He just makes me forget for a moment. It is me that has to change, not through him, not this way. I have to deal with this, I have to fight this. I feel these things inside of me. I feel that I am not clean. I cannot stand even music. What's happening??
I am running, running up that hill and I will make it. Time will make things better.
You don't know how I feel, how this things evolve from me, how they overcome me transform me, oh PJ, oh Lord. Shame shame shame.
I am in a bad phase. Maybe I am depressed..
I have to hear my thoughts. Why? To control them? Or just be aware of them? If I am aware of them do I control them? Or is that just the awareness of the fact that they control me?
I have an ego problem. I know. But who doesn't.
You will find me if you look in the garden...
Sometime's you wanna know what's in the pipeline.
Hey. I just realized that my creativity cannot be back yet. I am still on the road to recovery. It is ok. I am fine now with it. I want to fight, I want to succeed and I will. I have everything at this moment. I want to make the best of it. I have love, what's most important. I have you Mu :)
How far ago was it since I last wrote anything? It has been a while. Things happen. NIce things, wonderful things..still the shit that bothers me the most doesn't go away.
I am definitely transforming. This is getting smth. I am becoming more Leila than I've ever been. The time of the A in me has come. Let the S rest for a bit.
I found love I guess. I am being loved and worshipped, and that's what matters.
I might not be right this time. But I am as right I can be in this situation. I cannot escape from what I am. I do what I do, I love what I love, this is me. It is very hard for me to pretend. Now I know I could never be an actress, it is too difficult for me. I have a goal. I see myself in V. I see myself happy. I see myself as a professor.
Yey!! Guess I'm just lucky. Try to undestand that you are what you think! Some days are just not that good, but again it is in your mind how you will percieve things and embrace them. I am destroying myself. That is it. I am starting to love myself. It is a hard path not an easy one at all. (Lotus Flower)
Love is here to stay..Fear no more..
Why these sudden doubts? Why's that?
Mind, stop! Do please stop boding.. Every thing is fine.
Love is here to stay, to rest, to keep me, us..
Today's a good day, yesterday was a good day, every day is a good day. OK..maybe yesterday a bit better :) Hey guess what? L. is back in the game!! You wonder - What game? The love-game :) I am starting to feel again. Oh how I missed this, I've been numb for so long, it was time I started to breathe. Thank You, L.!
Just enjoy this..
Can you belive it? I am such enjoying it, every single curve on my body, every single little part. Me - my body as One. Peace, tranquility and inner beauty
I didn't think of B/P the whole day yesterday. Not for a second. Today is different. Today I am not as high as yesterday. Today my hopes and dreams collapsed. But it is ot the end of the world. I will survive. I will hang on. This is not going to destroy me. I fell for someone, and now it seems that this person has already someone. .. Miscalculated, f**k it! I feel blank now. Cannot concetrate on work, cannot do nothing. I feel like stuffing myself with food, or not eating anything. The other option seems better. I hope I stick to that one.
..I supposed not .. What is this? Feeling so out of myself. Why can't I behave normal, act like its no big deal? Silly me. Silly Blossom. Behave! Be-have!
It is one year since my grandparents passed away...missing them..
not purgeing. This is for you I., for You too dr.P., for my mother for my father, for myself. I won't. I binged so what? I will hold on. I am strong. This day can work out.
so...
..As Snow I shall be..fall
This is the decision! Can I keep it? Can I keep my promise? I feel bad in my stomach, but could I keep it? Am I that determined? Tell me tell me.. Don't stop, breathe, walk, run, fly anything just go and don't you dare stopping, not now, not ever. No heartache, no head, brain pain in the brain. Shutter, androgyny, shutter, love, shutter, shutter, butter. I love it. Love the way it spreads among my lips and shsh, no words. Love You holy - no words. Good night, better morning, the best now. Will save my soul, will save myself, will save You.
I had the most marvelous day since a long time..I'm painting again!!! Day 2 is finished.
This is my state of being..absolutely..
My stomach is a bit bad, but it will pass. I have to do some ab-work, my belly got quite chubby.
But...not important. My heart is on the right place. Thank you I.!!!
But I am not going to purge. I am holding on. I am strong. I have a lot of other things to do . Tomorrow painting! .. Help me God, five me strength to resist.
Nah fuck it.
Detoxification! I began to drink once more, and to be even worse, I am drinking after twice purging. After drinking I purged again. This has to change. I have to change. Starting from now on. I had breakfast. I had cornflakes, oatflakes, hazelnut, blackberries and goat's milk. I started again eating that cake that made me binge/purge, but I've stopped. Nothing can bring me down, nothing can make me fall like this again. I know there's a great possibility that I will, but I will fight with all my strength and power not to do so.
I am going now to the flee-markt with my friend. Afterwards I have to color her hair. And of course there's a lot of to do at home.
I'll.. keep in touch during the day..
I made it through one day and a half of the other. That's great!!! But still didn't made it through the hard part of the day. Anyway, that is not my topic today.
I feel hunger, and I enjoy in it. No, I am not going to drink white coffee, nor chew another gum. I am just going to enjoy this state. I am dizzy, I know, but it will pass. I will recover. This ride will be interesting. Getting to know my body, how it functions, what it needs, what it suffers when I am doing it harm.
I am really hungry now. I ate breakfast around 10 and now is 15:40. But! I had a bannana after waking up, and an apple around 13. So I should be fine. But I am dizzy and my belly is producing music.
It is funny how you get to know that you don't have to binge and purge at all, but then comes the moment when you have such a craving to do it, as if you'll die if you don't do it.
My life seems fine. I have plans, I have dreams, and that's what matters. I belive in a better tomorrow, but what is even more important (that a dream can come true) that I belive in a great today!
He got lucky, got lucky one time
Hitting with the girl in room five none nine
She turned her back on him facing the frame
Said, "listen joe don't you come here again"
White sun scattered all over the sea
He could think of nothing but her name elise
God is the sweat running down his back
The water soaked her blonde hair black
It's a perfect day
A perfect day, elise
He got burned by the sun
He's a lucky man
His face so pale and his hands so worn
And the sky
Let himself in room five none nine
As she turned away
Said a prayer, pulled the trigger and cried
Tell me why
I am sitting at work, but my thoughts are not here. II think of my ED and cope with constant hunger. I ate a good breakfast, I was quite full. But then came the coffee break, and I drank coffee, and ate a chocolate. Again I bought mysel chewing gums so now I feel a terrible craving for food. I hope that everything will work out for my plans for the future and for my masters. I need a change badly.
I am hungry again.. it is 13:45 and I have eaten an apple and a cup of raisins. It should be enough. I have eaten a bunch of stuff since I woke up. Why this insatiable hunger? I want peace!! Today's lesson: learn to live with your hunger. It is not normal to feel it all the time. Have to make a meal plan. Don't drink coffee, cuz it disturbs my body and makes it nervous.
I have put this image on my wall the last time I was trying to fight my binge/purge urge. It helped.. Hope it helps this time also..
I bring you today's lesson from Bulimia recovery, I thought it would be helpful..
"1. Let your thoughts in.
From now on if you have an unpleasant thought or feeling, you are NOT going to tell it to “Go away”. You are NOT going to try to suppress it. The more comfortable you can become with accepting negative thoughts the better.
2. Befriend your thoughts
Rather thank thinking of those thoughts and feelings as the enemy you should embrace them. This may be hard at first because you are so used to trying to shut them out but with practice you will learn that you can comfortably sit with those negative thoughts without having to become defensive towards them.
3. Watch your thoughts Observe them as they pass by with no judgment. Understand that those thoughts may be present but you never have to act on them.
4. Move your attention Once the negative thought passes try and get back to what you were doing and get on with the rest of your day."
It is my 3rd day od Bulimia recovery, and it is said that the next step I am supposed to take is structured eating. I've been there and have no good experience with it. Now I sound childish, but it is true it is as hard as hell. But, I will take another shot and try to do it.
So, here we come...
I ate a late breakfast at 11 I ate cornflakes, oat flakes, goat's milk, with a couple of blackberries and hazelnut. Also one slice of corn-smth with tahini. Will eat in 3-4 hours again. That is around 15. I'll keep you informed..
How far must I go? I made it throughout the whole day, and at the end I just surrendered myself to this stupid addiction. Does anybody even hear me? I know this is just one of of thousand other blogs on ED but I need just one feedback, I need just one sign that I could pack this and move one. I feel like shit now, I am dissapointed. My soul is so empty, this numbness is killling me.
PAUSE
I heared a news..A girl died today. A girl I knew..From anorexia. WHat is this? Are these signs? I guess they are. I have to get in control of my life of my body once again. THis is not happening. I am in control with my life, I am in control with my life, I am in control with my life, I am in control with my life, I am in control with my life, I am. A perfect day
Like to hang my head down my shoulders and surrender. No more power, no more strength. Why do I have to do this to myself? Shit, it happened twice today, i didn't purge but still I feel very bad. I mustn't eat anymore. Write stupidities, try to get my head clear. I want to go go far from here far far away. I hate this place, it makes me deppressive and sad. I cannot stand this athmosphere even though it is ok. I am the one who isn't ok.
I find myself bingeing. I did it on my job. I feel horrible all morning. I am, again, chewing a chewing gum to relax the tension. The pill doesn't work. With this breakfast I will definetly gain a few kilos extra. Stupid me. Stupid is that I am buying food that trigers bingeing. Now I feel horrible.. I wanted to go home, so I can do some more b/p, but I won't. I am here. I write. I am. I..
Would mostly like to forgive myself and move on. How hard must it be??? Tell me..anyone?
Something simple as food can do much harm. Look at for example my stomach. There is a thin line that protects it from pain. I destroyed it. You know, I chew a package of chewing gums in 8.5 hours of work just to calm my crawing for chewing and food. I hate it, it kills my taste senses and makes my belly bloat. But it is still better than b/p. I see there are quite a lot blogs out there about eating disorders. I am starting one for myself and for all those who find themselves in a simillar situation. I hope for saviour. I beg you to forgive me , my native language is not English, but writing in English helps me connect with more of you..
