I won't ruin the day

I had the most marvelous day since a long time..I'm painting again!!! Day 2 is finished.
This is my state of being..absolutely..
My stomach is a bit bad, but it will pass. I have to do some ab-work, my belly got quite chubby.
But...not important. My heart is on the right place. Thank you I.!!!

Enjoy it..live it..feel it..

Good morning world! Let's shake!!!

Binged again

But I am not going to purge. I am holding on. I am strong. I have a lot of other things to do . Tomorrow painting! .. Help me God, five me strength to resist.
Nah fuck it.

Life's too short!

Triple failure

Detoxification! I began to drink once more, and to be even worse, I am drinking after twice purging. After drinking I purged again. This has to change. I have to change. Starting from now on. I had breakfast. I had cornflakes, oatflakes, hazelnut, blackberries and goat's milk. I started again eating that cake that made me binge/purge, but I've stopped. Nothing can bring me down, nothing can make me fall like this again. I know there's a great possibility that I will, but I will fight with all my strength and power not to do so.
I am going now to the flee-markt with my friend. Afterwards I have to color her hair. And of course there's a lot of to do at home.
I'll.. keep in touch during the day..

Blossom

Quote for today

ENJOY LIFE! BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT!

Dealing with hunger

I made it through one day and a half of the other. That's great!!! But still didn't made it through the hard part of the day. Anyway, that is not my topic today.
I feel hunger, and I enjoy in it. No, I am not going to drink white coffee, nor chew another gum. I am just going to enjoy this state. I am dizzy, I know, but it will pass. I will recover. This ride will be interesting. Getting to know my body, how it functions, what it needs, what it suffers when I am doing it harm.
I am really hungry now. I ate breakfast around 10 and now is 15:40. But! I had a bannana after waking up, and    an apple around 13. So I should be fine. But I am dizzy and my belly is producing music.
It is funny how you get to know that you don't have to binge and purge at all, but then comes the moment when you have such a craving to do it, as if you'll die if you don't do it.
My life seems fine. I have plans, I have dreams, and that's what matters. I belive in a better tomorrow, but what is even more important (that a dream can come true) that I belive in a great today!

So what's today's lesson..

Enjoy life enjoy the ride...

A perfect day Elise

He got lucky, got lucky one time
Hitting with the girl in room five none nine
She turned her back on him facing the frame
Said, "listen joe don't you come here again"

White sun scattered all over the sea
He could think of nothing but her name elise
God is the sweat running down his back
The water soaked her blonde hair black

It's a perfect day
A perfect day, elise

He got burned by the sun
He's a lucky man
His face so pale and his hands so worn
And the sky
Let himself in room five none nine
As she turned away
Said a prayer, pulled the trigger and cried
Tell me why

It's a perfect day
A perfect day, elise

Ah oh, it's a perfect day
A perfect day, elise

Hunger..again

I am sitting at work, but my thoughts are not here. II think of my ED and cope with constant hunger. I ate a good breakfast, I was quite full. But then came the coffee break, and I drank coffee, and ate a chocolate. Again I bought mysel chewing gums so now I feel a terrible craving for food. I hope that everything will work out for my plans for the future and for my masters. I need a change badly. 

I am hungry again.. it is 13:45 and I have eaten an apple and a cup of raisins. It should be enough. I have eaten a bunch of stuff since I woke up. Why this insatiable hunger? I want peace!! Today's lesson: learn to live with your hunger. It is not normal to feel it all the time. Have to make a meal plan. Don't drink coffee, cuz it disturbs my body and makes it nervous. 

I have put this image on my wall the last time I was trying to fight my binge/purge urge. It helped.. Hope it helps this time also.. 

How to cope with negative feelings

I bring you today's lesson from Bulimia recovery, I thought it would be helpful..

"1. Let your thoughts in.

From now on if you have an unpleasant thought or feeling, you are NOT going to tell it to “Go away”. You are NOT going to try to suppress it. The more comfortable you can become with accepting negative thoughts the better.

2. Befriend your thoughts
Rather thank thinking of those thoughts and feelings as the enemy you should embrace them. This may be hard at first because you are so used to trying to shut them out but with practice you will learn that you can comfortably sit with those negative thoughts without having to become defensive towards them. 

3. Watch your thoughts
Observe them as they pass by with no judgment.  Understand that those thoughts may be present but you never have to act on them.

4. Move your attention
Once the negative thought passes try and get back to what you were doing and get on with the rest of your day."

Hope this helps. Have a nice day..

Structured eating

It is my 3rd day od Bulimia recovery, and it is said that the next step I am supposed to take is structured eating. I've been there and have no good experience with it. Now I sound childish, but it is true it is as hard as hell. But, I will take another shot and try to do it.
So, here we come...
I ate a late breakfast at 11 I ate cornflakes, oat flakes, goat's milk, with a couple of blackberries and hazelnut. Also one slice of corn-smth with tahini. Will eat in 3-4 hours again. That is around 15. I'll keep you informed..

I really don't get it

How far must I go? I made it throughout the whole day, and at the end I just surrendered myself to this stupid addiction. Does anybody even hear me? I know this is just one of of thousand other blogs on ED but I need just one feedback, I need just one sign that I could pack this and move one. I feel like shit now, I am dissapointed. My soul is so empty, this numbness is killling me.
PAUSE
I heared a news..A girl died today. A girl I knew..From anorexia. WHat is this? Are these signs?  I guess they are. I have to get in control of my life of my body once again. THis is not happening. I am in control with my life, I am in control with my life, I am in control with my life, I am in control with my life, I am in control with my life, I am.
A perfect day 

Try harder when you have no strength

Like to hang my head down my shoulders and surrender. No more power, no more strength. Why do I have to do this to myself? Shit, it happened twice today, i didn't purge but still I feel very bad. I mustn't eat anymore. Write stupidities, try to get my head clear. I want to go go far from here far far away. I hate this place, it makes me deppressive and sad. I cannot stand this athmosphere even though it is ok. I am the one who isn't ok.

For the millionith time..

I find myself bingeing. I did it on my job. I feel horrible all morning. I am, again, chewing a chewing gum to relax the tension. The pill doesn't work. With this breakfast I will definetly gain a few kilos extra. Stupid me. Stupid is that I am buying food that trigers bingeing. Now I feel horrible.. I wanted to go home, so I can do some more b/p, but I won't. I am here. I write. I am. I..
Would mostly like to forgive myself and move on. How hard must it be??? Tell me..anyone? 

F*** didn't make it

Would really like to explode..

Food

Something simple as food can do much harm. Look at for example my stomach. There is a thin line that protects it from pain. I destroyed it. You know, I chew a package of chewing gums in 8.5 hours of work just to calm my crawing for chewing and food. I hate it, it kills my taste senses and makes my belly bloat. But it is still better than b/p. I see there are quite a lot blogs out there about eating disorders. I am starting one for myself and for all those who find themselves in a simillar situation. I hope for saviour. I beg you to forgive me , my native language is not English, but writing in English helps me connect with more of you..